I’m in the midst of a war right now. A war between my hands and my mind. It’s a crap shoot because they are supposed to be working as a team, partnering one another to produce the best damn shit you’ve ever seen. The problem is, my mind is being a lazy turd and my hands have had just about enough of it. If only you could hear the choice words being said back and forth. The constant bickering.

So, I’m driving down the freeway last Friday (I say “driving” loosely, as I am fairly certain I could have taken my 4 year olds 10″ bike with training wheels and gotten there faster), half asleep and half irritated as hell, when something grabs my attention out the corner of my eye. What the fuck?! Feathers. Lots and lots of feathers. Flapping and frolicking, moving like a bat out of hell. I rub my eyes, squinting like I’m 85 without my spectacles (totally excited that an opportunity presented itself for me to say “spectacles”), I try to allow my brain to catch up to what my eyes were seeing. It went a little something like this; “Is that a chicken? What the fuck… that’s not a chicken. Motorcycle? Does that motorcycle have 3 wheels? Oh my god, Is that a grown man wearing a damn chicken suit?! Feathers… check. Beak… check. Big orange feet… check. Oh my god. That’s a fucking chicken. A grown man dressed like a chicken. That’s a fucking chicken on a 3 wheeled motorcycle. You’ve got to be kidding me!”

So, as a writer, my first instinct was to be totally stoked. This was a nothing short of a gift. A gift just for me. This was like God saying; “Hey Jennie. You know, you’ve been working pretty hard lately. Here… have a freebie on me!”

And so starts the war.

At this point, my hands are all like; “Oh hell yeah! Now that’s some funny shit… totally gonna have to put that on paper, like pronto!”

Then my brain was all; “Huuuuuuuh? Whaaaaaaat? I, like, don’t geeeetttt iiiiitt. I’m, like, so totally lost right now. Come on, bro. You’re like totally waaaay tooo intense for me right now. Just chillllllll, maaan”

Then my feet were all; “Come on you idiots, let’s slide this baby right under the semi beside us, jump the divider and follow that crazy ass chicken! We HAVE GOT TO GET A PICTURE of this!!”

It’s just been an ongoing battle since that day. My hands hate my brain, my brain is so fucking asleep it doesn’t even know where to locate my hands so it’s been barking bad words at my dog. My dog is a total bitch (no pun intended) so she’s stealing my favorite spot on the couch to get back at my brain for being a dick. I’m throwing pancakes and chocolate milk at everything that moves. It’s a mad house around here. I’m thinking of changing the name on the mailbox to “The Bundy’s.”

Totally off topic, because I can: Yes, I am aware that the last couple of posts have all had naughty words. I wrote them while butt as naked, too.