I’m a big believer in breastfeeding. That being said – while I breastfed Sophie, I bottle fed Hunter. During his stay in the NICU, Hunter refused to eat and was therefore losing weight. Rapidly. I was offered a choice: Give him a bottle or they’d give him a feeding tube. Not wanting my little 4-pounder to have to endure any more tubes shoved down his throat, I chose the bottle. Eventually, he ended up with a tube anyway.
I tried for weeks to get him to take to my breast once we got him home. It wasn’t happening. It killed me inside, but I finally threw in the white flag. And, after months of guilt and depression over not breastfeeding my newborn, you know what I learned? It didn’t hurt him a bit.
Sophie was another story, she was a boob-baby through and through. However, as much as she loved her breast milk, she was ready to be done at about a year. Her attention span would no longer stand for it. She simply lost interest.
While it was emotionally difficult for me to allow this natural weaning process (mostly because I wasn’t ready for my “baby” to be a “big girl”), I soon welcomed the freedom that it brought me.
How old is too old when it comes to breastfeeding?
Every now and then I’ll see a mother with a preschooler attached to her breast and, to be honest, it makes me cringe a little. I understand that the decision to quit breastfeeding is a difficult one. As a mother, its hard to accept the fact that your baby is making his way toward being a kid. It will also be difficult when he goes to college… I think we can all agree that is definitely too old.
Allow me to make myself clear. Many say that it means the mother is sick when she has a walking, talking child attached to her breast. I’ve heard it means that she’s a pervert, she’s disturbed… you name it, its been said. While I do believe that, in some instances, there is some truth to those theories (shudder), as a whole – I don’t believe them to be true.
As with anyone, I can only base my opinion off of personal experience. My experience has led to the assumption that it is just too difficult for these women to allow their children to grow up. It has also shown me that children will wean themselves when they are ready and, as a mother, you have to allow that process to take place when it is time.
How long did you breastfeed? Did your child wean him/herself? At what age do you feel it is no longer appropriate to breastfeed a child?
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15 months for #1 and 13 months for #2. The natural process began, then I ran with it (after about a week of tears over my baby not needing me anymore!).
I think it’s no longer appropriate when it’s no longer mutually desired by both mother and baby.
My daughter is 13 months old and still gets quite a bit of her nourishment (and comfort) from nursing. I love our nursing relationship and don’t see it ending any time soon.
http://fineandfair.blogspot.com/
Found your first comment, Joella. My spam blocker picked it up. Sorry!
Several of my friends were nursed until 3 or 5. Unless you ASKED them, you wouldn’t know. They do have strong family bonds, and good family relationships. Both of them were tandem nursed, as well.
Personally, I nursed my first until 2 1/2… through a pregnancy, tandem nursing for 15 months, and through a hospitalization. His kidney specialist told me that my breastmilk was THE best thing for him as he fought through his illness and as he recovered. Several of his doctors expressed surprise to us that he bounced back as quickly as he did after the severity of his illness. Whether that was my milk or not, the way we could reconnect through nursing after all of the trauma that he underwent, and could not understand, has taught me that even when it’s tough, even when it’s inconvenient, even when others wonder why you’re “still” breastfeeding… it is worth it. It has immeasurable value. We weaned this past fall, at 2 1/2, very much on my initiative… and not without some regrets. He continued asking for months, when he got a cold or was tired, and it was very hard to stick to weaning even though I felt that the time was right for our family. I am now hoping to nurse his sister at least as long and tandem again with her when our third child is born.
Personally, I find the idea that it’s the mother pushing for the nursing relationship to continue over the child’s wishes to be just a wee bit silly. I do think that we need more education in making sure moms know the difference between a *nursing strike* and true self weaning, but both my 2 year old, when he was nursing, and my 18 month old, now, are definitely the ones pushing for continuing to nurse. For me, it’s something that I do for them. I do enjoy the snuggling and the knowledge that it’s the healthiest thing for them, but honestly after a year I would be more than open to a child choosing to nurse less.
A friend of mine who nursed most of her 11 children to the age of four, unless they self weaned before then, said that most of hers weaned at around 3 1/2 naturally. She only had one or two that wanted to keep going after four. I think it’s fine to wean your child before that, of course, but I think that people should realize that when it’s left up to the child – truly their choice – most children won’t wean on their own until after two.
That’s ridiculous. Babies don’t “go on strike” – That’s them telling the mother that they are no longer interested. Sure, if you push them through a “strike” long enough, they will become attached to the concept again, but that’s the mothers desire… not the childs. Which brings me back to my statement, “it is just too difficult for these women to allow their children to grow up.”
Although 2 1/2 would be too old for me, I won’t say that it is in general or for everyone – its your own personal decision. Its always the mothers decision.
Four or five year olds, though – quite frankly – in my opinion, is unacceptable.
Yes, babies go on strike, all the time. Or would you say a 3-month-old (a very common age for nursing strikes) is telling their moms that they’re no longer interested? Biologically, that makes NO SENSE because babies don’t know that formula exists. If they don’t take the breast, they die.
You are of course entitled to your opinion, but making blanket statements that nursing strikes are “ridiculous” and are instead the baby weaning is harmful to ALL breastfeeding mothers. Misinformation like that can lead to weaning at three months, as Sara pointed out below, and is not at all helpful.
No lactation consultant or breastfeeding expert that I have ever read states what you are saying. True self weaning is almost always a gradual process. And you can’t force a child to nurse. Anyone who has tried to convince an overtired, hyper toddler to nurse to sleep can attest to that. You can OFFER – but you cannot force it.
There is more information here on nursing strikes: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/concerns/baby/back-to-breast.html
For some reason, my comment last night didn’t go through, but my more thorough response can be found here:
To be redirected to Fine and Fair’s response to my post, click here.
My 4 month old will be allowed to breastfeed until he decides to stop. If he’s 2 or 3 or 5, I don’t care. He needs it, he can have it.
My dispute isn’t giving it to them when THEY need it. My dispute is forcing something on them past the time that they are ready to be done.
Did you breastfeed at all? As anyone who has can tell you, you simply CAN’T force a child to breastfeed.
The answer to your question is in my post.
My daughter is 2 1/2 and still going strong with nursing. I haven’t offered in ages, but she doesn’t forget. I limit her to just nap and bedtime, but she is very insistent that we nurse at those times. It really hurts to hear another mother – particularly a mother who breastfed her own child – say that there is even a hint of truth to the ridiculous idea that women who nurse past a certain age are sick or perverted.
I whole-heartily believe in breastfeeding. I also whole-heartily believe that you have to let your children grow up when they are ready.
Yes, I think that if a child is old enough to do simple arithmatic, he’s too old to be attached to a boob.
The problem is that some people say that “when a child is old enough to” have teeth, or eat baby food, or ask (many kids can sign for milk at 9 months of age!), then they are too old to “be attached to a boob”.
Most people, not just you, have an opinion on when a child is too old to be breastfeeding. The only people that really know are the mama and the baby. But everyone has their own opinion. To look at a mama with a toddler and cringe is just as judgmental as someone who looks at any baby nursing and judges for any other reason. I’m not saying there aren’t mamas out there who are nursing older toddlers for the wrong reasons — I’m sure there are, but I think they are the outliers. Especially since breastfeeding rates in this country beyond 6 months of age aren’t that great to begin with, this cannot be that big of a problem.
And, btw, babies *will* go on nursing strikes. You may not like the terminology, but sometimes if they go through a stage where they are particularly distractable developmentally, or get teeth, or an ear infection, they will refuse to nurse. That does not automatically mean they are ready to wean because these things can happen well before one year of age. At that point it is the mother’s job to continue to encourage the child to nurse because that is how they get the majority of their nutrition.
I am still nursing my 14 month old and don’t plan on quitting anytime soon!
I applaud you – some 14 month olds still need to be nursed. If your 14 month old decided that THEY were done tomorrow, though, would you allow that?
Also, how do you feel about preschool age children nursing?
In some countries kids still nurse occasionally until around the age of 6. I also read that in Mongolia, if a mom is too full, sometimes she’ll give some of her extra milk to whoever is around, parents, in-laws, whoever. It’s considered a treat, and they all know that it is healthy and will make you strong. There is no sexual stigma to children and the breast, and there doesn’t seem to be any difference between the milk of a goat or cow, or milk of a person. it’s all milk! And the Mongolians are a very sturdy, strong bunch, so they are doing something right.
For most parents it has nothing to do with “not letting the kids grow up” they can grow up and still breastfeed, the connection between those two things is a cultural assumption, not a fact or anything, but it sure helps them keep off the constant runny noses and sicknesses we usually associate with little kids, and gives them the vitamins that their odd assortment of little kid-friendly foods aren’t able to give them yet. And, unless the parents actually do go up to 6 years, it’s not like the kids remember toddlerhood and nursing anyway, so the only disadvantage would just be the judgemental observers.
My son is 13 months, running around all the time and has a ton of teeth (not talking yet, though) and still nursing. I’m going back to school next month, and I have never been able to pump, so i don’t know how that will effect it. I’m not a huge fan of breastfeeding, the act (but the biggest for breastfeeding, the nutritional advantage) so when he self-weans, i will be very happy, whenever that is. As for now he can’t sleep if i’m in the house without boob, and no matter how much we try we haven’t been able to change that yet, so who knows when he’ll actually be done with me! I personally wouldn’t nurse over 2, but I’m 100% for other people doing so if they wish. I just have a lot of issues that i had to overcome to breastfeed at all, so my limits are different than some others.
I couldn’t agree with you more, 2 would probably be my limit as well.
Other countries, though? What ones are we talking about here? Sure, if I lived in a place that made it impossible for me to provide my child with clean food or water, I’d make sure they had breast milk ’til college probably. I’d pump it into a bottle, though.
Sure, because you would really be able to afford a breast pump when you can’t afford clean water or food. And I’m sure washing out bottles with dirty water would have no ill effect on the child either.
And wash the bottle in the unclean water, I presume. *slow clap*
If I was purple and had one eye you could call me the purple people eater, too. The fact is everyone on this blog has clean food and water for their children and if you dont then you should consider selling your computer for it. An irrational argument warrants an irrational response.
For goodness sakes’ people, we don’t live in a third world nation where a mother must nurse to the age of 4 or 5 because water and food quality is so poor/scarce. If my kid can walk to the fridge and get a bottle of milk, or saunter up to me and ask for lunch in a relatively complete sentence, he’s off the boob.
Kids grow teeth for a reason, to chew solid food, not my nipples.
Comparing breastfeeding to being sick and disturbed?
Wow.
That’s a bold and completely asinine comparison.
You lost all credibility with that one.
So, am I sick and perverted if I shove a bottle of formula into my toddler’s mouth too?
What I said was in SOME of the cases, I made it a point to say that I did not think that was the case in ALL of them.
You don’t think its asinine of you to assume that you are correct in saying that this couldn’t possibly be true in ANY of the cases? You have a lot of faith in your knowledge.
I’ve yet to come across any women who have forced breastfeeding as a fetish. My job involves spending all day online, often seeing sites I wouldn’t have looked up otherwise, and I do read Dan Savage’s column, so I know Rule 36 pretty well (“If you’ve thought of it, then there’s somebody out there with a fetish for it.”). I’m familiar with people getting their jollies from drawing pictures of pregnant male hobbits, giant inflatable furries having sex with buildings and women with car problems. I’ve never seen any woman comment on getting off on trying to force a kid to nurse. I suppose this is possible, but it’s also possible there’s life on other planets, and I don’t lose sleep worrying about alien abduction.
As I mentioned in my post, I don’t believe that, as a whole, women force their children to breast feed as a fetish either. I am not prepared to say that it NEVER happens, though. No one can make that statement with 100% certainty.
One year is my limit. My first child was very difficult to start nursing, it took about a month and I went back to work FT when she was 3 mos, it was a very stressful time and I pumped and pumped but it didn’t work out so she or WE stopped nursing at 7 mos, My 2nd & 3rd boys were full on nursing babies, but my body and their interest just gave up about 6-7 months, it was a tuff decision but it wasn’t mine to make. BTW..newborn teeth..ouch?
I agree, past 2 years is more than enough on the boob…Serious?If they can ask for a cup of milk and attempt to get one they are much to old for the mommy milk. For those who state it’s only for nap & bed time..then give them a pacifier..that’s what they want.They are using your boob as a pacifier.
Would it be acceptable to let a 3,4,5 and 6 year old walk around with a pacifier? Would you cringe and snear at those mom’s? Why is the mommy milk any different?
How can a baby being using a breast as a pacifier? A pacifier is an artificial nipple. Why is sucking on a fake breast more palatable than a baby sucking on a real breast and getting nutrition at the same time?
My first is 18 mo and we still nurse many times during the day and at night. He also eats 3 meals and a snack everyday.
From reading your replies to comments, it seems that you have made one assumption that I find fault with: that every child that is 2 or older would, of their own accord, wean from the breast; and that those who are still nursing are doing so only because their mothers are forcing them to.
Please correct me if I’m wrong.
In your experience, as you’ve stated, the longest you’ve breastfed at one time is 13 months because your daughter chose to stop. What if my son chooses, of his own accord, to go longer than 2 years? If you happen to see me nursing him as an older toddler, why not give us the benefit of the doubt that the toddler wants to continue, and the mother is simply allowing that to happen?
Never once did I put an age limit on it. What I said was MY limit would probably be about 2.
It is interesting to me — in your post you talk about how moms who are nursing toddlers are not allowing their babies to grow up.
But yet, when I read the comments, I see a lot of moms saying, “My limit is …”, so isn’t that the same thing in the other direction? By your logic, forcing your child to wean at a certain age would be forcing them to grow up before they are ready, no?
There’s a fine line between needing the breastmilk and wanting it. There is a period when they naturally wean because they no longer need it, but if a mother continues to push it on them (and I’m talking about older kids here, not babies)… yes, they will eventually hook onto the idea like a security blanket.
So you would say that when a child no longer “needs” breastmilk, but only “wants” it, then it is wrong to continue nursing? How do you define need? Emotional? Mental? Physical? Also I’m confused about the idea that you are somehow able to put a point on this fine line of nursing of when, exactly, nursing goes from a want to a need. Or when you are cringing at a mom and judging her for nursing instead of respecting that she is doing what’s best for her child?
Further, there are women out there somehow pushing or forcing their children to nurse? I’m not even sure, physically, how that would be accomplished. More than once I’ve tried to nurse one of my babies before an event or some such in order that they wouldn’t want to eat during a drive or at another inconvenient time — I have never been able to induce a child to nurse who does not want to. How anyone could get a toddler to physically nurse if they do not want to is beyond my comprehension.
Then again, your OP does say that all of this is an assumption based on your personal experience, and I think all the comments reflect that your personal experience (or anyone’s really) is not the arbiter of when breastfeeding becomes cringe-worthy, or judgment-worthy, or when it is anyone’s business to say that a mom is being too coddling, or refusing to let her toddler grow up. Why not just assume if a mom is nursing her toddler that she has considered all of her child’s needs and is trying to do what is best for her own child? (instead of cringing, I mean)
I would love to live in a world where adults couldn’t force children to do anything they don’t want to do. There would be a hell of a lot less abuse, wouldn’t there? How glorious that would be.
Unrealistic, but glorious.
I’m confused – some people have brought up the “If they can ask for a cup of milk” thing. Why is it totally acceptable for a 3yo to drink the breast milk of a completely different species, but when I give my 3yo MY breast milk, that’s disgusting and perverted? I don’t get it, it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
If you had your kid attached the cows utter, then your argument would be valid.
The argument is valid one way or the other. We live in a society where it’s acceptable for adults to drink the breast milk of another species, on the absurd assumption that it’s somehow super-healthy for us (it’s not – it’s not a particularly good source of calcium, just a really cheap one; there’s tons of vegetables that contain way more calcium that the body can use more efficiently).
And yet, when a mother lets her 3yo nurse from her breast, that’s frowned upon. If nature thought that a kid drinking from his mother’s breast was wrong, we’d be born with a breast pump attached. Or our milk would just magically dry up once the child turns 2 or 2.5 or 3 or whatever.
Maybe you should read up on Kathy Dettwyler’s articles. The natural age of weaning has been determined to be anywhere between 2 and 7 years of age. Pretty much all primates nurse their young until their adult teeth come in. We have put all these societal noms on breastfeeding that the most normal and natural thing in the world is frequently turned into something that’s viewed as freaky and perverted. It’s sad.
Just for the record, I’m not saying anybody has to continue nursing past 2 years. Many kids are ready to wean by that time. That’s fine. But many more aren’t, and that’s okay, and normal!
I have nursed three children so far, I weaned my eldest when he turned 4, my second at 3 is still going strong, and the baby is just 3 months, so she has a ways to go.
If you want to cringe at something, do so with something that is cringe-worthy. Like the mothers that I see regularly (much more often than anybody nursing a child over 1) who put Coke or iced tea into their babies’ bottles…
Looks like you struck a nerve here Jen!
For what its worth from this gram who nursed her two beautiful and intelligent daughters until THEY were ready to stop, and as a La Leche Legue leader for 3 years I totally agree with you. Its tough for “us” to let our children fly on their own, but its only one of many many times we have to let go…just a little bit at a time. My daughters were both nursed for just over a year and they are both very well adjusted, secure and independent women with children of their own. This does not apply if a child is sick or if there is some other issue with the babies health. No woman should feel guilty for nursing her child or not nursing her child. I remember at Disneyland, I sat on the bench by Dumbos ride, got out my blanket, put it over my shoulder and started to nurse my baby, only to be asked by a Park employee to please go the the nursing station in the ladies restrooms when you first come into the park. So, a lot has changed! Thank God!!
Its funny because I am a big believe in breast feeding, I think it is one of the most beneficial things you can do for your child.
I am also realistic about it and if your kid can unlatch your bra, its too damn old.
My son is 30 months and nurses once a day right before he goes to bed. It’s his milk, and when he’s ready to wean, he will. He was a 3 pound preemie who nursed through 5 weeks in the NICU, and grew big and strong and healthy on breast milk. So, cringe all you want at my son who continues to thrive.
Why do you need to not only judge other mothers parenting choices, but also assume they’re sick and perverted? This whole post is lame.
Since you took the time to comment, I assumed that you took the time to read my post as well. I was obviously mistaken. What I said was…
“Allow me to make myself clear. Many say that it means the mother is sick when she has a walking, talking child attached to her breast. I’ve heard it means that she’s a pervert, she’s disturbed… you name it, its been said. While I do believe that, in some instances, there is some truth to those theories (shudder), as a whole – I don’t believe them to be true.”
IN SOME INSTANCES. Are you prepared to make the bold statement that it NEVER happens?
Since it is one statement among many negative statements you chose to put in this post about breastfeeding, I took it to mean that you do believe it… Why else would you even bring it up?
Whatever floats your boat, though.
I couldn’t find any negative statements made in my post. I did, however, find many in the comments… my words taken out of context.
>> How long did you breastfeed?
4 years with my first, 3 years with my 2nd
>>Did your child wean him/herself?
Yes, with gentle encouragement from me.
>>At what age do you feel it is no longer appropriate to breastfeed a child?
Whenever a child & mother is ready. It is not my or anyone’s business other than the mother & child to determine what is best for & working for them. I do however, wish that everyone would give breastfeeding a try, and would hope, if its working for all involved, would continue for the recommended length of 2years or longer.
You haven’t even explained WHY it’s not okay or natural for a toddler to nurse. You cringe a little, and you assume that the majority of women just aren’t able to let their young ones grow up. Trust me, as mother who’s nursing a 34 month old daughter and a 5 month old son, it’s not because I’m resistant to let my daughter wean. Oh no. And most of my friends who are breastfeeding toddlers- I happen to know from each of them that if their toddler was ready, they’d absolutely let them end the nursing relationship. I find it hard to believe that you’ve actually got “experience” with these women (who are breastfeeding toddlers) or their nursing relationships, because my experience tells me across the board that they are ready when the child is.
I think I’d like to know some things, as an addendum to your post. First, why do you believe that all these women are somehow cajoling their tots into a continued nursing relationship? Is it possible that a nursing relationship beyond babyhood is actually normal and purposeful? Is it possible that your hang-ups have more to do with cultural norms than they do with actual biological needs?
Also, what do you hope to achieve by sharing this opinion? I mean, really, do you think that women who are breastfeeding an older child are going to read your post and think “Oh my gosh! She’s right! I’ve been forcibly nursing my child all this time believing it will keep him/her young!” Rather, for me, it conjures up a feeling of being judged and misunderstood yet again by someone who has no real actual experience on the subject (being that you didn’t nurse your child “too long” or whatever). Your motives are unclear to me and your conclusion is baseless, as far as I’m concerned. It’s disappointing to me that so many feel this subject is up for some kind of debate. We’d be much better served by empowering and encouraging each other to do what is best for our own children and families.
I absolutely don’t expect women to quit just because I think their kids are too old. Quite frankly, I couldn’t care less one way or the other. If you are against debating this topic… then why did you just post this comment? You just participated in the debate. Maybe its because you thought I’d read it and be all, “Oh my gosh! She’s right!”
Why am I sharing my opinion? I suppose the same reason you just shared yours. I live in a great country that allows me to.
If you are against being judged or misunderstood, then perhaps you shouldn’t judge or make your own conclusions. You claim that I am wrong for making assumptions, yet in the same post, you make assumptions of your own. Funny how these things work. You are arguing with your emotions and in the process, firing accusations in response to your anger toward me for making what you believe to be accusations.
I’m sorry you saw my comment as being accusatory- I sincerely meant to challenge you and get you to actually answer those questions. I felt pretty matter of fact about it, but in looking over my comment I can see how one of the later sentences is dismissive. Sorry about that. I’m not sure where you got the idea that I’m not interested in the debate- I know that I’m participating and I really want you to answer those questions I posed. They were serious questions, and I’m interested in your thoughts.
I guess I’m confused, because you did make some pretty blanket statements here, and now you’re saying that you didn’t? I’m not clear as to how I’ve judged you or been hypocritical here. As someone who is doing the exact thing that you’ve posted about here, I would feel remiss in not challenging it- for myself and many of my dear friends. It’s not as simple as just sharing your opinion. You’re making judgments without all the information.
Wow. People are getting downright nasty here.
I tried to breastfeed all of my kids…none of them went for it. I did, however, pump for 3 months each time. Had I been able to breastfeed, I’m not sure how long I would have done it.
How’s that for staying neutral? lol!
Oh Jenn – You crack me up!
Holy LaLeche! Jennie, do a post on circumcision so you can rile up that group!
I breastfed my daughter for 9 months and my son until he was a little over 2 years. Back then, breastfeeding was just coming into “vogue”. The LaLeche League sent an advocate to my hospital room when my son was born. I had every intention of breast feeding him before the visit but this lunatic almost made me change my mind.
My thinking is, if your child can eat regular food then it’s time to stop. They need the independence.
Also, no mother should EVER be made to feel inadequate because she can’t and/or doesn’t want to breastfeed her child.
I figured so long as I’m opening the bag for about 100 cats to run out – I may as well just run with it, right? Shit… what can I say, I’m bored.
I breastfed my first but I had to pump it into bottles. I pumped twice a day and got 32 ounces daily. I was a 36DDDDDD (otherwise known as an I cup and had my reduction to a D before I had my second and I was unable to produce anything. I vote to stop when you feel ready. It’s different for everyone. I personally hated having to do it so I waited til the one year mark and quit.
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